


ive been screaming for the past hour (no one hears me).

by byunsootingz



Series: we're all confused when we're in love [1]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Byun Baekhyun is Bad at Feelings, Dialogue Heavy, F/F, F/M, Heavy Angst, Idk what to say, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Please read, References to Depression, Soft Park Chanyeol, Suicidal Thoughts, Sweet Park Chanyeol, byun baekhyun baby, byun baekhyun must protect, confident gay kim jongdae, i love jongin in this, i want a jongdae, jongdae and baekhyun are BEST FRIENDS, kyungsoo is not an asshole
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-08
Updated: 2020-06-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:34:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24604774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/byunsootingz/pseuds/byunsootingz
Summary: He held his hand close to his chest, a soft smile gracing his lips as he whispered "Don't you remember this? I held your hand just like this.""I.. I'm sorry. I really dont."(Alternatively, Baekhyun has been dreaming of a man for years-- and maybe, Park Chanyeol knows who he is.)
Relationships: Byun Baekhyun/Do Kyungsoo | D.O, Byun Baekhyun/Park Chanyeol, Do Kyungsoo | D.O/Kim Jongin | Kai, Kim Jongdae | Chen/Kim Minseok | Xiumin, Kim Jongin | Kai/Oh Sehun
Series: we're all confused when we're in love [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1778653
Kudos: 2





	ive been screaming for the past hour (no one hears me).

_ “How do you know that you’re in love?” _

_ “You dont. You just know." _

_ "Well I love you." _

_ "Do you really?" _

* * *

  
  
  
“For Christ sake, Byun.  _ You will never learn how to properly dance  _ if you’re busy staring at the football game, mooning over some tall giant who doesn’t know your name _ ”  _ Baekhyun rolled his eyes, ignoring his best friend’s rambles for the nth time this week-- his eyes refocused, looking down from their room’s view--- a lush green field with trees surrounding it, benches full of people, the red and gold colors of their school proudly worn by the football team (Jongdae never really liked the school colors “ _Who likes blood on gold?”_ ) and like always, Byun Baekhyun’s eyes always finds _him_ in the crowd-- like a moth to a flame. His mind goes over the details-- _His hair is newly dyed, a bright purple mixed with blue, looking like a lost faery in fitted clothes. His shirt is a bit small, and Oh God -- he lifts it a bit, he’s showing off his rippled stomach--_

“ _Byun._ ” Baekhyun swerved around quickly, his cheeks a violent shade of red as he muttered a soft “ _What.”_ Kim Jongdae stared at his best friend’s eyes, sighing inwardly as he shook his head. “The dance is in _two weeks_ , Byunnie. Mr Choi wouldn’t want us to slack off-- he complimented us, remember?” Baekhyun sighed, stealing a glance at _him_ before standing up to get his suit jacket. “Seriously, I know that you really don’t care about others, but Byunnie he told _us_ that we were the only duo in the _whole school_ \--” Jongdae emphasizes on it, his hands moving wildly before clasping together like a prayer. “--That could give life to our dance. I know we already have our singing parts down--”  “ _More than down,_ Dae. Even Miss Kim was impressed by our first rehearsal--” “I know Byunnie. But our performance also needs us to use our bodies.” Baekhyun glared at him before grabbing his book bag, his steps a bit quicker than Jongdae’s. “Couldn’t we just sing? Aren’t our voices enough?” Baekhyun questioned, waiting for Jongdae to finish tying his shoelaces.

“It is, but you know why--” “I know, I know. _Mr Kim Minseok and Mr Kim Jongin_ will be coming to the dance--” “Yes, yes they are. Kim fucking Minseok, one of the greatest fucking people is coming to our school’s dance.” Baekhyun rolled his eyes before replying. “That was waay too much on the fucking, Dae.” “Please-- _can you please slow the fuck down?--_ Its not like you havent imagined it with _Park_ \--” “I will drown you.” Baekhyun warned, ignoring his best friend as his feet walked faster. 

“Please. You have been threatening me with drowning since we were 6--” “It will happen. Heed my warning. I am ruthless enough to drown my best friend” Jongdae smiled brightly, finally catching up to Baekhyun who rolled his eyes. “Slow poke--” “Asshole.” Jongdae replied back, rolling his eyes as the elder laughed. Together, they go down the stairs with Jongdae babbled on about the dance. “I mean, wouldnt you want to meet world star king Kim Jongin and his cute old brother the _magnificent_ Kim Minseok?” Baekhyun rolls his eyes at this, letting a retort pass his lips `` _He's not that magnificent--”_ while his mind instinctively reorganizes his thoughts, reminding him of his class schedule and activities while actively tuning out whatever Jongdae was talking about.

_I have Advanced History with a graded recitation, Biochem with a test, Creative Writing workshop and Music Club later--_

“I know you really dont care about me babbling about Minseokkie, Byunnie but this is my chance to impress him” Jongdae’s voice pulls him out of his thoughts-- _just like always_ \-- and pulls him enough to earn him a “Minseokkie? Why do you love giving nicknames to people--” “Because I’m me, anyways--” “Anyways we really do have to _go to class_ ” “Sod off, Byunnie. You dont give two shits about class.” Jongdae said, looking at his bestfriend with a hidden suspision in his gaze. "I know you well enough to say that you dont really give a shit--" "I do-' "No you do not." Jongdae interjected, staring at him knowingly.

Baekhyun slumped down internally, his walls crumbling as the younger’s gaze looked at him deep in his soul. “Byunnie?” Jongdae whispered, holding their gaze as he started to worry “Dae.” Baekhyun replies softly, swiftly ignoring the people around them as he pulls him to one of their hiding spots-- a hidden storage room beside the old stairs. Jongdae stared at his best friend, noting his eyes, a bit shiny on the edges, and his own eyes softened, words quickly disappering from his mouth as he noticed that his best friend was about to cry. 

"Tell me.” He says softly, knowing Baekhyun enough to know that he wants to sit down on his lap-- always too shy to ask for a hug. They do just that, sitting on the dusty old floor with Baekhyun curled up on his chest like a cat. “I had another dream.” Baekhyun said softly, his lips near Jongdae's ear as he continued. “It was a new scene-- we were lying down on the grass, my head on his chest. We were looking at the stars.” Jongdae hummed, trying to remember his lessons on _Dream Analysis_ (which was honestly just something he got from a TV show) while rubbing his best friend’s back before whispering. “And then?” “And then, we were just quiet…. It felt so real, Dae. I could feel his breathing. I could feel his warmth and I-- He just talked, showed me the constellations.. And then…” Baekhyun breathed in heavily, trying to force the image away from his head and into his words as he tried to focus on the steady hand his best friend is using to rub his back.

“By the end of the dream, he whispered ‘ _Please remember who I am, Hyunnie. You promised that you would.. I don’t want to lose you._ ” Baekhyun’s voice catches on the last syllable, a small crack in his voice as he shook his head. “I woke up afterwards crying silently.” Now Jongdae could see his best friend’s puffy cheeks, the red tint barely covered by a bit of foundation on his cheeks. He sighed, thinking about his words for a while, letting his hand trail small circles on Baekhyun’s back. “I really don’t know what to say.. Maybe your mum knew him?” “No, Dae. I feel like I’m the only one who knew-- _know_ him.” Baekhyun quickly replied, breathing slowly as he continued “But the thing is, my dreams never show his face. His jawline, maybe. Or his big ear. Not his whole face” Jongdae raised his eyebrow, his hand temporarily stopping as he pondered on this new information. “Maybe, Byunnie..” “Maybe what?” “Maybe, the dream will only show his whole face when you meet in real life.” Jongdae said thoughtfully, trying to pull his thoughts and weave them into words as he gently adjusted Baekhyun on his lap for their comfort.  “You know the universe, maybe by finding him, you’ll finally understand your dreams.” The younger said, emphasizing on his words as he gently blew Baekhyun's earlobe (a habit he got from their childhood.)

Baekhyun nodded slightly, giving Jongdae a soft smile as he relaxed completely under his best friend’s touch. They stay in that position for a while, Jongdae humming a soft tune while the elder purred like a cat. 

After a short while, he moves a bit-- a signal that he’s fine already, the vulnerabilty gone-- and replied. “Maybe you’re right.” Jongdae laughed, letting Baekhyun move away from him before replying. “Of course I am, dumbo. Come on, we need to go. Miss Seo will kill me if I’m late again for her class.” He says, grabbing his best friend’s outstretched hand to stand up. “Maybe if you haven’t lost my bet, you wouldn't land on Miss Seo’s bad side. She loves me.” Baekhyun replied back, giggling softly as they escaped the storage room--- or as they like to say,  _ out of the closet _ \-- and kept on walking to their designated classes. “As if? Your bet was to see if she really had a hidden husband--” “ I didnt mean that you had to  _ hack  _ her phone.” “Details, details.” They both laughed, Jongdae’s arm around Baekhyun’s shoulder as they walked to their respective classrooms. 

"Please. I had to cover up for you--" "Excuse me?" Jongdae cocked an eyebrow, unimpressed. "You literally told our Headmistress that you never heard of a Kim Jongdae in your whole life" Baekhyun pouted, temporarily stopping in their tracks to reply. "My mom was there idiot. She'd kill me if I opened my mouth" Jongdae laughed, doing his best impression of the elder's mother. " _I do not want my dear and most beloved son to be associated with someone who is willing to break the law--"_ "Stop that, you ginny." Baekhyun giggled, covering the younger's mouth with his hand. "You did not break the law, and besides, I am not her favorite son." Jongdae scoffed, pushing Baekhyun's lower back to signal him to walk again. "First of all, you do not use the word 'ginny'. It is unacceptable. Second, you are-- I heard her praising you after our graduation. and third of all, I did break the law-- or at least I have broken something in Miss Seo's phone" "Asshole." Baekhyun retorted back, rolling his eyes as he sees their classrooms. "Dickhead." Jongdae quickly replies back. Baekhyun laughs, pushing him to the entrance of the _Literature_ classroom as he told him. "Get inside, you insufferable worm. If you have a basic grasp of the English language, you can handle the class fine. Goodluck with Miss Seo!" Jongdae groaned. "Please pray for my soul" "I will, now run off little rabbit." Baekhyun says playfully, mocking their old Languages teacher. "Do not do that again, Byunnie. That voice gives me nightmares. Now go and leave me alone" Jongdae replied, stomping his way inside of the room leaving Baekhyun alone. 

He chuckled, going inside his own classroom. Baekhyun sits on the back near the windows, a seat he considered a lucky charm. ( _"It is not a lucky charm--" "Uh. Yes it is? I pass my tests in that chair. My chair and I are awfully codependent--" "Shut up Byunnie. You're just smitten because of a chair.)_ He sits down, fixing his black hair to the side (It used to have red streaks in it but he got tired of the combination) as he lets his mind roam. 

Of course, his mind only goes to _him._

_Park._ Baekhyun thinks to himself, looking out of the window with a soft smile. His mind paints a picture of him-- tall, beautiful, and absolutely stunning. He knew his whole name ( _Park Chanyeol)_ and some other stuff _(Tallest man in the football team, best friends with Oh Sehun, likes a tall Americano) that_ resulted into Jongdae telling him that he looked like a stalker. ( _Really, Byunnie. You're studying him like he's one of the American presidents._ ) 

He knows a lot

Which really helps.

_It helps because I get to think about someone who's unreachable rather than wondering about the person who I haven't even met._ Baekhyun reminds himself, his eyes rolling because of his own stupidity. _It doesnt mean that if he says he knows me, he knows me_. "Mum doesnt know him, and I havent even seen his face." He mumbles to himself, ignoring the new seatmate he has as he looked at the trees.

_It really doesnt matter._

_Does it..?_

_ " _

_ You know, I could be arrested for this." He said, rolling his eyes as he followed the young Prince to the tower. "I could be whipped in the town square-- they will take my title and all of my money because I did not tell you to go to bed, Your Highness." "What did I tell you about my title, dear?" The guard groaned, hoisting himself up to the rooftop of the Tower before replying. "Sorry, Your Highness.. I'm just.' _

_ "Hush." _

_ "But.." _

_ "Shh.." _

_ "Eun.." _

_ "I love you." _

* * *

__  
  
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE’S IN THE CLUB!.” Baekhyun shouted, glaring at Junmyeon like it was all his fault. Technically it isnt, but at the moment Kim Junmyeon was the only person he could yell at. “You let Miss Kim  accept him?!” Junmyeon sighed, rubbing his all too perfect cheeks. He wore his hair up today, his chocolate brown waves shiny against the fluorescent lights. Honestly, If Baekhyun wasn’t already in love with someone else, he honestly would have a crush on him. _If he wasn’t so perfect, if he had one flaw in his whole fucking life. I would have._ Baekhyun thought, glaring at Junmyeon who looked back at Baekyun with a soft gaze, his hands grasping together as he replied. “I didn’t have a choice, Baek. Miss Kim already picked him besides he's not the only one who joined-- She said one of them is amazing on the instruments, said that we need _his_ voice to add something more in our club-”' _But you still let him join._ ” Baekhyun was fuming now, glaring at Junmyeon like he was the bane of his existence. ( _He is.)_

“Look, Byun--” “ _What._ ” He said, his voice cold. “ I know you guys might have something between you two but it’s none of my business. Okay? So you better get used to it. Okay?” Junmyeon sighed, standing up. Baekhyun still glared at him, sitting on the floor looking like he was about to throw a tantrum.  “Fine. Leave.” He said coldly, staring at the floor until he heard the door close. Baekhyun sighed, lying down on the floor with a soft thump, his head full of thoughts. He closes his eyes and imagines his thoughts turning into a straight line, something he could hold on to-- but it twists by itself, making knots that makes his head hurt. He breathes in slowly--something Jongdae taught him-- and counts to ten. Slowly, his thoughts straighten on their own.

He didnt have a good day today-- in Advanced History, he was so far in his head that when Miss Lee tapped his table he couldnt even answer her question. In Biochem, he forgot to write his name in his test paper, and in the Creative Writing Workshop, he showed up without his project-- a short fictional story about some kind of trope he forgot. He didnt even greet his favorite teacher because he saw a certain Park person and just stared at his teacher like some idiot. He fell asleep in his classes, a product of his late night talk with Jongdae. 

_And of course, he forgot his school id._

So yes, it's a shitty day.

"For fucks sake." He mumbled to himself, rubbing his temple as he tried to remove his name from memory.

Do Kyungsoo. 

Fucking hell. It's still there.

He honestly didnt know what to think or even  _ feel  _ when he saw the new updated list of members taped on the door, didnt know what to  _ say  _ when he saw Do Kyungsoo’s name on the list. Baekhyun stared at the name for so long, remembering memories unearthed from the deepest part of his brain.

_They were walking alongside each other. Kyungsoo commented on the architecture, his eyes sparkling as he told Baekhyun about the history of each building. "They were so amazing, Bian! " And Baekhyun smiled so brightly, because Kyungsoo only called him Bian when he's really soft._

_"They're lovely, Pororo..._

_but not as lovely as you."_

“It is alright.” He mutters to himself. “It is all right, Baekhyun. No one will get you here. Now you need to stand up.” He says, making simple commands to himself as a way to remove himself from his thoughts for a while.  _ Now you need to fix your hair, Baek. Now you need to hold back a stream of curses to Miss Kim.  _ Baekhyun sighed, standing up to walk outside of the classroom.  _ You need to find Dae first, Baek. Tell him that Miss Kim accepted him--- Oh wait, maybe he knows? Junmyeon never leaves out information from the members of the club. Just tell him about your feelings about it-- now Jongdae seems like a psycharatrist or something-- _

“Excuse me?” A deep voice interrupted Baekhyun’s train of thought, he blinked slowly, trying to make up some half hearted excuse to give this person so he wouldnt think that he was a weirdo. “Excuse me…?” The deep voice said again, making Baekhyun sigh and turn around, his mouth already forming some kind of excuse--

_ But wow. _

_ Holy shit? _

“M-may I help you?” Baekhyun said, breathing slowly as he felt his mouth dry up. “O-oh uh, Y-yeah.” The not-so-stranger said, his hand immediately messing up his  _ pink blue  _ hair. Details automatically go through his mind, details he’d imagined and thought off for months--  _ He has a dimple, his teeth are so fucking white, his ears are so big and he does look like a big faery up close and Oh god his smell--  _ “Are you Byun Baekhyun?”  _ Park Chanyeol, _ his longtime crush, looked confused. It took awhile for Baekhyun to respond, as he was trying to wet his already bone dry mouth. “Yes? What’s wr--up? What’s up?” Baekhyun awkwardly said.  _ Great, ruined your chance.  _ “Myeonie told me to find you, I’m one of the new ones in Music Club.” “Oh okay wait _WHAT ?!_ ” Baekhyun said a little bit too loud, his mouth wide open as he suddenly remembered Junmyeon’s words. _ Besides he isnt the only one who joined _ . " Oh, did he not tell you?” Park looked confused, scratching his head as he looked at Baekhyun confusingly.  _ He did, but I was too angry at him for letting the other one join.  _ “Oh yeah! He told me. He told me well enough--” Baekhyun said brightly, wanting to hide his cheeks that were blushing pink. “So, wanna go together to the music room?” Baekhyun asked, looking ahead-- not letting his eyes fall on Park’s big ones. “Yeah! I’m Park Chanyeol by the way.” "I know!" _Oh fuck_ "I mean yeah haha I know since you're in the football team haha.." Baekhyun said sheepishly, trying to tone down his blush. Chanyeol laughs, scratching the back of his head as he replied. "Oh okay? Do you want to uh.. go...?" "Oh yes! Go. Yes, we will go now." Baekhyun said hurriedly, walking in sync with the younger as he added. "Sorry for my outburst." _Byun, stop talking._ "No! It's fine. I'm just not used to people talking to me." Chanyeol replied softly, his deep voice soothing in Baekhyun's ears. "Well.. I'm glad to be the first?" Baekhyun said, smiling brightly as Chanyeol smiled back at him. "Of course! I mean, Yeah. I'm glad too." He says cutely, his smile making him look like a big cute child. _so fucking adorable. "_ Well--" "CHANNIE!! WAIT UP!"

Both of them turned around, wih Chanyeol already grinning as he called out to the voice. "What?"

"I told you to wait for me asshole!" The man said, punching Chanyeol's shoulder. "And who is this?" The man looked at Baekhyun who looked confused.

"Oh, This is Baekhyun! Baekhyun, this is.." The man rolled his eyes, fixed his hair and smiled at Baekhyun as a greeting.

"Sehun, at your service.'

**Author's Note:**

> first chanbaek fic? hope its not confusing haha. rlly bored at quarantine nd like my imagination got wiiiillddd. follow me on twt @marksunlees ig? and also leave comments, i wanna know what you think.


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